There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
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To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.