Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
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If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
inside you are two wolves
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye