Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
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Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Shark week, but for squirrels.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
*skinny dips into black hole
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle