[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
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“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing