Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
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If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.