Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
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Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
concern
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me