ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
You Might Also Like
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.