@StevieKnip: Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you're under arrest. I'm taking you to jail
Me: let's take my car
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@kerouac741: Twinkle, twinkle little star How I wonder where you are If you're not so very far After work, let's hit the bar
@InternetHippo: Now that everyone is against Facebook I'm smugly telling everyone that I deleted mine 5 years ago because I saw this coming and not b/c I had no friends
@ItsAllCrazyToMe: Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
@longwall26: *gets dragged out of daycare* DON'T LISTEN TO THEM! IT'S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT'S A SPOON!! IT'S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
@pizzajaynow: People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.
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