@StevieKnip: Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you're under arrest. I'm taking you to jail
Me: let's take my car
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@cwhudson: BARTENDER: okay man, here's your appletini MAN: [upset] this isn't what i ordered BARTENDER: i'm sorry? MAN: why isn't it a tiny apple
@ch000ch: "My fellow Americans-" Barack "we are working tirelessly-" Sir "to make sure-" Barack. You're still wearing ur xbox headset
@nonosimprov: Culturally speaking... Having a McDonald's in a WalMart is like finding a cyst in a tumour.
@Demented_Jokes: My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
@savvystrider: Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I'm from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
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