ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
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If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
respect
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
so i’m at the stock market right