ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
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[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.