Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
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**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Breaking news:
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read