Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
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If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.