Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
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explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
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“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
We need more people like this.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey