An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
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Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Plant care tips
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”