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@Vodkantots: Me: I just broke a nail.
WebMD: Finger cancer.
@DevilryFun: Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, "Lets find something for mature skin."
And then Security had to escort me.
@petemandik: I'd be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
@Drops: How is tinder still free?
@Sassafrantz: [public restroom]
Me: We'll have to go some place else, it says "unavailable"
Mom: Even the toilet found someone before you
@Sickayduh: "Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?"
- Because they're poor and have to reuse everything.