Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
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Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
How to find Kentucky on a map
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Rt to bother an English speaker
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.