ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
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Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?