sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
You Might Also Like
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈