Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
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Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security