me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
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I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
#Caturday
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s