Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
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she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.