Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
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I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.