Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
You Might Also Like
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.