I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
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Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Oh we’ve met.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
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McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys