Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
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Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”