Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
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A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.