Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
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When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
This is a true ally.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*