Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
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wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.