If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
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asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.