Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.