ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
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Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
being a writer on Twitter:
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.