Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
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Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”