Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
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family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
“Why you watching this shit?”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”