ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
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Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
It was worth a shot 😂
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??