ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
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How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.