Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
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Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Yup
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you