“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
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Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces