Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
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I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.