me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
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My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
meow
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Well, that didn’t work.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
i meant to share this earlier
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂