me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
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Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?