Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
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i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.