Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
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physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
So glad we cleared that up
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
58.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that