Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
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Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.