ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
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Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.