ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
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I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”