Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
You Might Also Like
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
lol
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup