Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
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I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime