me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
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The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
absolute chaos
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you