Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
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Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
every. time.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot