Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
You Might Also Like
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days