wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
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No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
how to have fun when you’re poor
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.